So it's been a while since I've posted my last entry which isn't good, but the good news is that I'm still without porn! One day shy of three weeks without porn. Last week was extremely hectic, with a ton of holiday stuff to do, and so I barely had time at all to make an entry into this blog. I've had a few small urges here and there. The biggest urges come when I'm awake late a night and my wife is asleep, which I know is a bad situation to put myself in. But I have remained strong. My desire to reach 100 days without pornography is starting to eclipse my desire to look at images of naked women.
Other than that, things have been good. I know things seem somewhat easy now, but I must prepare myself for when a really huge urge comes so that I don't fall. I also need to make a better effort to write in this blog almost daily. Just the act of writing about my desires helps to quench them. Perhaps that will be my New Year's resolution.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Day 9
Here I am a little more than a week, and still going strong. I've had a few small urges to look at NSFW links in some of the blogs/websites I visit, but I've stayed strong. I've even resisted clicking the images of scantily clad women, which as I stated early is just a stepping stone to more disastrous stuff.
Anyway, this past week has been good. Christmas is already coming up fast, and the crazy season with family and friends is sure to make it a little bit easier on me since I won't be doing too much hanging out with the computer alone. It will be nice to enter the new year porn-free, and I can only hope that the entire year stays that way.
Anyway, this past week has been good. Christmas is already coming up fast, and the crazy season with family and friends is sure to make it a little bit easier on me since I won't be doing too much hanging out with the computer alone. It will be nice to enter the new year porn-free, and I can only hope that the entire year stays that way.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Day 5
Well it looks like I am going to have a bit of trouble posting everyday. Weekends are hard as we are usually away from the house hanging out with friends and what-not, which is good. I don't enjoy being home alone for long periods of time. That's usually when I have the largest opportunity to look at porn. So hanging out is good.
Haven't really had any strong urges lately. I'm feeling good about this attempt. The only temptation I've had thus far is to google a few models. Every once in a while I'll see a video or an article that features a particularly beautiful woman, and my first reaction is to google said woman to find more pics. While not a really bad habit, that is usually how my porn searching ways start. I'll casually google a model who does not pose nude, then that leads to another model who might have more arousing photos, which leads to non-nude models who are practically nude anyway, which leads to full on porn. It's a vicious cycle, and if I cut it off at the beginning then I am less likely to fall into it. One thing I am thankfull for though is that I never really got into hardcore porn. I know porn is porn, but for some reason I could never watch the hardcore stuff for more than a few seconds before getting grossed out.
Well this week looks good. Work is going good for me, which keeps me busy, and I've been feeling kinda romantic with my wife, which is always nice. The more sex I have with her the better, as that is a) more gratifying than masturbation b) keeps my urges for porn down and c) the purest way to achieve sexual gratification. I don't know if that last sentence made a whole lot of sense. Anyhow, things are going good right now, so I am happy. Wednesday will be my first week without porn for this attempt, and hopefully it will be the first of many to come.
Haven't really had any strong urges lately. I'm feeling good about this attempt. The only temptation I've had thus far is to google a few models. Every once in a while I'll see a video or an article that features a particularly beautiful woman, and my first reaction is to google said woman to find more pics. While not a really bad habit, that is usually how my porn searching ways start. I'll casually google a model who does not pose nude, then that leads to another model who might have more arousing photos, which leads to non-nude models who are practically nude anyway, which leads to full on porn. It's a vicious cycle, and if I cut it off at the beginning then I am less likely to fall into it. One thing I am thankfull for though is that I never really got into hardcore porn. I know porn is porn, but for some reason I could never watch the hardcore stuff for more than a few seconds before getting grossed out.
Well this week looks good. Work is going good for me, which keeps me busy, and I've been feeling kinda romantic with my wife, which is always nice. The more sex I have with her the better, as that is a) more gratifying than masturbation b) keeps my urges for porn down and c) the purest way to achieve sexual gratification. I don't know if that last sentence made a whole lot of sense. Anyhow, things are going good right now, so I am happy. Wednesday will be my first week without porn for this attempt, and hopefully it will be the first of many to come.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Day 2
So I was unable to post yesterday. A couple of days out of the week it is hard to get on the computer alone, but for the most part it is easy. I suppose that's where part of the problem arises: too much time alone with a computer. Unfortunately it is what my job demands, so rather than put a barrier between myself and alone time on the computer, I need to exercise self-control.
I've tried a few methods of quitting pornography in the past, one of those being an internet filter. While that does work for a bit, eventually the desire to bypass the filter becomes so great that I figure out a way. I know that's bad on my part, but I think part of the time I would do it for the sheer satisfaction of being "smarter" than the program. I would much rather have control without the filter though. The reason for this is that even if I stopped looking at porn for a good period of time with a filter, once the filter is removed the temptation becomes too great. I've experienced this first hand. I don't want to have an internet filter on my computer for the rest of my life. Not only is it embarrassing and costly, but it's a crutch that I need to live without.
Yesterday was a good day in terms of desires for pornography. No desires really, a good day overall. Today has been going good so far. I haven't had any urges, and I'm really psyching myself out to feel that I need to earnestly TRY to stop, not just say I'm going to stop and say "oops" when I mess up, which has happened too many times in the past. One thing that does suck is that a few of the sites I regularly visit have the occasional picture of a scantily clad woman on them. Luckily the articles don't show much unless you click on them. Self-control comes into play again. I need to be able to be OK when something like that comes up, whether it be on a website or in a movie that my wife and I are watching, I need to just shrug it off, instead of pursuing it further.
Anyways, I'm feeling pretty good about this journey so far. The path to top is a difficult one, and I'm prepared. The day that I have a really strong urge will be one that truly tests me. Hopefully I will be prepared on that day with the correct response.
I've tried a few methods of quitting pornography in the past, one of those being an internet filter. While that does work for a bit, eventually the desire to bypass the filter becomes so great that I figure out a way. I know that's bad on my part, but I think part of the time I would do it for the sheer satisfaction of being "smarter" than the program. I would much rather have control without the filter though. The reason for this is that even if I stopped looking at porn for a good period of time with a filter, once the filter is removed the temptation becomes too great. I've experienced this first hand. I don't want to have an internet filter on my computer for the rest of my life. Not only is it embarrassing and costly, but it's a crutch that I need to live without.
Yesterday was a good day in terms of desires for pornography. No desires really, a good day overall. Today has been going good so far. I haven't had any urges, and I'm really psyching myself out to feel that I need to earnestly TRY to stop, not just say I'm going to stop and say "oops" when I mess up, which has happened too many times in the past. One thing that does suck is that a few of the sites I regularly visit have the occasional picture of a scantily clad woman on them. Luckily the articles don't show much unless you click on them. Self-control comes into play again. I need to be able to be OK when something like that comes up, whether it be on a website or in a movie that my wife and I are watching, I need to just shrug it off, instead of pursuing it further.
Anyways, I'm feeling pretty good about this journey so far. The path to top is a difficult one, and I'm prepared. The day that I have a really strong urge will be one that truly tests me. Hopefully I will be prepared on that day with the correct response.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
It Begins
There was a time where, amazingly, I didn't struggle with pornography at all. That period was high school believe it or not. My sophomore through senior year I didn't have the slightest desire to look at porn. And even if I did, it wouldn't have been easy with the computer in the family room, 6 people in the house, and at least one person home at all times. Then I moved out for college, and everything changed. I suddenly had my own place, my own computer, and I was severely bored. I found myself curious with my new found freedom, and I saw no consequences before me.
Fast forward 4 years. I am now married, in my own house, and while I am sexually satisfied by wife, I find myself slipping every now and again for stupid reasons. I have tried several times to completely quit since starting to look at porn after high school, but I would say that since moving out on my own I haven't gone 4 months without looking at porn. I want to go a whole year. I know that goal is huge and seemingly impossible at the moment, but I want to tackle it in stages. My first goal is to make it to 100 days without looking at porn.
I had a great attempt earlier this year: On my birthday I decided to try and quit, and my attempt lasted about 2 months, probably my longest period without porn for some time. After stumbling again, I didn't even try not to look, I just did whatever I felt like. I need to take control of my urges, my thoughts, and my actions. Lately I've felt a huge sense of apathy: I just don't care if I look. What does it matter? Well it matters for a lot of reasons. First of all, it goes against what I believe at a Christian. Second of all, it goes against my wife. And third of all, it is a HUGE waste of time. I find it really easy to lose track of time when searching for that "perfect porn."
Earlier this year, in my search for porn I stumbled upon a blog. This blog really inspired me in that the writer was trying to quit pornography himself. He had been trying for a couple of years to reach 100 days without porn, and this past Thanksgiving Day, he reached his goal. He gave a lot of good advice, and one of those tips was to start a journal about trying to quit. Well here I am. I am going for the 100 days! I almost want to start on New Year's Day, but I am here now, so I might as well go for it. Tomorrow will mark the beginning of my first day of my first cataloged attempt to quit pornography. I know it is going to be a difficult struggle, but I am prepared. The aforementioned blogger wrote about how his desires for porn really decreased in the closing days of his journey, and that is something that I am really looking forward to. I want the thought of porn to cross my mind and my reaction to be "Not even a chance."
Fast forward 4 years. I am now married, in my own house, and while I am sexually satisfied by wife, I find myself slipping every now and again for stupid reasons. I have tried several times to completely quit since starting to look at porn after high school, but I would say that since moving out on my own I haven't gone 4 months without looking at porn. I want to go a whole year. I know that goal is huge and seemingly impossible at the moment, but I want to tackle it in stages. My first goal is to make it to 100 days without looking at porn.
I had a great attempt earlier this year: On my birthday I decided to try and quit, and my attempt lasted about 2 months, probably my longest period without porn for some time. After stumbling again, I didn't even try not to look, I just did whatever I felt like. I need to take control of my urges, my thoughts, and my actions. Lately I've felt a huge sense of apathy: I just don't care if I look. What does it matter? Well it matters for a lot of reasons. First of all, it goes against what I believe at a Christian. Second of all, it goes against my wife. And third of all, it is a HUGE waste of time. I find it really easy to lose track of time when searching for that "perfect porn."
Earlier this year, in my search for porn I stumbled upon a blog. This blog really inspired me in that the writer was trying to quit pornography himself. He had been trying for a couple of years to reach 100 days without porn, and this past Thanksgiving Day, he reached his goal. He gave a lot of good advice, and one of those tips was to start a journal about trying to quit. Well here I am. I am going for the 100 days! I almost want to start on New Year's Day, but I am here now, so I might as well go for it. Tomorrow will mark the beginning of my first day of my first cataloged attempt to quit pornography. I know it is going to be a difficult struggle, but I am prepared. The aforementioned blogger wrote about how his desires for porn really decreased in the closing days of his journey, and that is something that I am really looking forward to. I want the thought of porn to cross my mind and my reaction to be "Not even a chance."
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