Day 18

Things have been a bit rough these past few days. I've had some strong urges lately, and it's been tough to resist temptation. It's just so easy to fall back into. I keep putting myself in stupid situations. I need to stop playing games so late. After I'm done playing, it's usually like 1 or 2 in the morning, my wife is asleep, and it's easy to go wherever my mind wanders on the internet that late at night. I've found myself googling random pretty celebrities. I don't know why. It's not porn, but I just enjoy looking at really pretty women, which isn't necessarily bad, but like I've said so many times it's a step in the wrong direction. Last night I was googling for a while, and before I knew it my googling somehow led to asian bikini models. I know. I turned off my pc shortly thereafter and went to bed. I need to cut that off before it gets any more serious and I fall hard again. What sucks is that sometimes I'll start googling and this feeling of apathy comes over me, like I know I'm trying to quit porn, but hey, if it happens then whatever. That is not good. I can't be apathetic towards this struggle that has been in my life for so long. I need to realize that it's more severe than I make it to be sometimes. I need to make a better effort to go to bed at the same time that my wife does. During the day things have been good though. I have been focused for the most part. Work has been keeping me busy, minimizing the time I have to do mush else. Anyway, I'm almost half way to my previous attempt, so I have to press forward. I hate building up all this momentum and just throwing it all away like I did last time. I've got to have my eyes on the prize! The rest of today should be ok. If I find myself in the midst of a strong urge, I need to come back here to write about it to get it off my chest.