The Difficult Struggle

Day 101

2009-05-06T17:10:00.001-07:00

Well I did it. Yesterday, the great day of Cinco De Mayo, I hit 100 days without porn. Insane. Last year I tried a few times to reach this goal and it didn't work out so great. I don't know what it was about this time. It felt so easy; so natural. I've kind of become apathetic about the blog now. I know this milestone is a great one, but the thoughts of porn and updating my blog on my thoughts of porn have long since left my mind. I've been busy with a ton of other things in my life, but I suppose that is a good thing. In the end, I want to say that if I can do it, so can you. If this is your stuggle as well, there is hope. One of the most important things I can stress is DO SOMETHING ELSE. Get away from the computer. Take up a hobby. Stay busy. Idle hands are the Devil's playground as they like to say. Anyways, I'll probably be updating the blog periodically as I please. Definitely if the struggle comes back.

Day 85

2009-04-20T22:46:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in my blog in the longest gap now, and I feel kinda bad. I think the blog really kept me going in February, and while I am still going strong I have had a few days where I struggled a bit. Whether it was looking at scantily clad women or just googling pretty faces I felt like I was heading in the wrong direction in a journey that has taken me so far. I think this is the longest I've gone without porn in the past 5 years.

The other day my wife was surfing the internet on my computer and she asked if we still had the internet filter we had purchased about a year prior. I told her that it had expired a while ago. She asked if I still needed it, and I proudly responded no. I told her that I felt proud to not have to really on a program to not look at websites that I really don't need to. She was happy, I was happy, it was a nice moment. And now only 15 days away from day 100, I feel good about my journey. I've been doing my best to keep not only my actions but my thoughts pure. I want my convictions to be even higher than they have ever been. I can't let little things like looking at scandalous pictures slide anymore. Because it's not porn I sometimes think to myself, "hey, it won't really hurt." When in actuality it really does. Anyway, just know that I'm still here. I'm going to try to write more often in the closing 15 days of my long journey, and I'll definitely write something on May 5th, my 100th day without porn. Here's looking forward to it.

Day 71

2009-04-06T12:32:00.000-07:00

I'm in my seventies now. Insane. Sorry I haven't been writing regularly. I was really keeping up well in February it seems, and didn't write much last month, and this is the first entry of this month. I'm still going strong though. I did have a bit of a struggle at one point last week: I was perusing the internet when I decided to go to the sports illustrated website. Not a good idea. I looked a few bikini clad women before I called it quits. I think the whole idea of sports illustrated is kinda silly now. haha. It seems like they have "the annual swimsuit issue" a few times a year now. Whatever. It was a minor stumble, but nothing that led to anything major. The though of looking or searching for naked women now is pretty far from me, which I am proud of. I don't wanna get cocky about it, but I think I've looked at less porn this year than I did in November of 2008, which is a huge step in the right direction. I still have about a month to go before I hit my goal, which leaves me wondering "what next?" Well I'm not sure. I think after I hit 100 days, I'll continue to write the occasional blog post, but I suppose the next major milestone would be an entire year without pornography. Sounds daunting, but I know it's not impossible. Anyways, if you are trying to quit or are thinking about trying to quit, just know that if I can do it then you certainly can. Also, to those wondering what game I was playing the past couple of weeks, it was the new pokemon. :P I hadn't played one in a while, and an old friend wanted to get it so we could battle. It felt like middle school all over again. I'm pretty much done with that game now though, and looking for a new one. Any suggestions?

Day 60

2009-03-26T13:27:00.000-07:00

It's been 10 days since my last post, and I suppose that can be a good and bad thing. On one hand, I need to keep writing to stay accountable and get things off my chest. On the other, I haven't really been thinking about looking at porn or writing about not looking at porn, so that is good in a sense. Last week was extremely hectic, with hardly any time to myself, so that is one reason why I haven't updated recently. And this week, well, I just got a new video game and it's been taking up a lot of my time. Hehe. But less time alone on the comp is always good. I feel great. We've been going to church more regularly now, and before when I was in my porn phase, I hated going to church because I would feel so guilty. I felt like I was living a lie. But now when we go, I feel so good, like I'm honoring God and my wife, and I have nothing to hide. It's great. Life is pretty good right now. I hope things are going ok for you too.

Day 50

2009-03-16T14:13:00.000-07:00

That's right, Day 50!! Woohoo!! I'm am officially half way to my goal, and things are great. Porn and/or racy photographs haven't really crossed my mind lately, which is always a good thing. It's crazy to think that it has been 7 weeks since I stopped looking at porn! I've been wanting to get this far for a long time, and now that I'm finally here I need to keep moving forward. This week is going to be good. I've got a few things going on that are really going to keep me busy and make it difficult to look at anything. Well I have to get back to work. Lots of things to do. I hope if you are struggling that you decide to start a blog or tell someone about your problem if you haven't already. I'm praying for you, me, and everyone who is sharing in our problem. Good luck.

Day 47

2009-03-13T14:33:00.000-07:00

I've really been struggling lately. There have been a couple of nights this past week where I stayed up late, and as usual it was a recipe for disaster. I didn't look at porn, but I did look at some suggestive photos. I was browsing my usual sites, and at one site I noticed an ad for American Apparel that somehow slipped through my ad block plus. If you don't know about American Apparel, just know that their advertising is pretty suggestive. And by suggestive I mean down right sexual at times. Anyway, I clicked the ad and before I knew it I was looking at the model photo collections with the models in skimpy outfits and suggestive poses. Sadly I went back there the next night, and it almost felt like I was looking at porn. You know that feeling, of when you find something and you just keep going back to it. I felt dirty and ashamed, and it wasn't even porn! Crazy. Needless to say I haven't gone back to said site, and I'm feeling better about it. I never thought I'd feel this way about simply looking at racy photos. It wasn't even that long ago when pornographic images weren't quite doing it for me anymore. I needed videos, and I'm glad that didn't last very long. Well the weekend is almost already here. Other than my brief stumble the week has been good. Looking forward to Monday, day 50! Exciting stuff.

Day 43

2009-03-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

I feel like today is an important day because I've finally matched my last recorded attempt, and I'm showing no signs of turning back. Needless to say things are going pretty good with the wife. Not only have I been keeping my hand and eyes pure by not looking at porn, I've been trying my best to keep the purest mind, and I think I've been doing a lot better than I was when looking at porn. It's almost like a whole other world. I use to hate thinking about keeping "secrets," since I had a big one to hide. I thought of how embarrassing it would if some of my friends/family found out about my problem. I was paranoid about anyone getting on my computer. But all of that is gone. One week from today I will hit the middle of my goal, which I don't think I've ever done before. I don't know how long exactly my best attempt was since I looked at porn, but I'm pretty sure I'm getting close to beating that personal record if I haven't already. I am excited to hit day 100, even though it is still a ways off. I don't want to get ahead of myself though. I know things can still happen in the future, things I may not see coming, that may make things harder. I can't get cocky or proud or too sure of myself. I need to be humble and thank God that he has helped me get this far and pray that he helps me and others in my shows to continue through this difficult struggle.

Day 39

2009-03-05T12:18:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Day 40! So close to beating my last attempt. Things are good in the life of this quitter. Been feeling a few temptations, but like I said in my last post, it's been easier and easier to turn down. I've stayed up kinda late a couple of nights this week, and while the thought has crossed my mind of looking up something racy, I've just felt this feeling, almost of disgust at doing such a thing. It's weird. I feel farther and farther away from the desire to look at porn. I was thinking the other day about how good it feels, and one of the best parts about it is that when I would look at porn, the worst feeling was towards my wife, just feeling that I had let her down. That shame felt terrible, and just knowing that I don't have to deal with that is one of the best things about this whole quitting process. Tomorrow should be a great day, as should this weekend. I hope you are still going strong.

Day 36

2009-03-02T20:11:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update since I'm about to jump into a game session. heh. Things are going good. Life is great, and I'm a few days away from day 40. My eye is on the prize. I've had a few temptations lately, but I've resisted and felt great about doing so. The idea of looking at porn is becoming harder and harder to grasp at, which I am very happy about. I'll be on later this week. Stay strong in this difficult struggle.

Day 34

2009-02-28T14:36:00.000-08:00

It's been a little while since I've last posted, but don't fret, I'm still going strong. This week seems to have been a hectic one, with work keeping me busy most of the days. Haven't really had any big urges, except for one day, I think it was Thursday night I just really felt like googling pretty women. I'm kinda surprised how well I've been doing. I mean as far as the urge, that almost always is gonna be there, but the feeling inside when you consciously turn down the urge. For me it just seems to be getting stronger, which is a good sign. It is becoming easier and easier to "just say no." I'm finally past the first month, the first of many I hope. I'm getting close to my previous record, and I'm excited. I hope you are staying strong as well.

Day 29

2009-02-23T12:16:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow will be 30 days. I'm feeling great about this. I've been somewhat tempted recently, not so much to look at porn, but to look at "racy" pictures of attractive women. I'm trying my best to resist, and succeeding for the moment. I know there is nothing inherently wrong with this, but I don't want to start going in the wrong direction after almost a month of solid hard work. This past weekend was good. Had some fun with some friends, and the rest was pretty mundane. Work has been keeping me busy, which is always good. I've been doing better at not only taking control of my actions, but my thoughts as well. I found that in the past I might have stopped looking at porn for a season, but if I was still having ill thoughts then what was it worth? I need to keep a pure mind and a pure heart. I need to have thoughts for my wife and her alone. By the end of this week I will have reached 1/3 of my goal, which is huge. I'm inching closer and closer to freedom with each day. I hope you are too, and if not, then today's always a good day to start. Stay strong.

Day 25

2009-02-19T10:24:00.001-08:00

Haven't really had any real urges lately, and I'm a quarter of the way to my goal. Awesome. Seems that when I go to bed at the same time as my wife, that kills like 80% of my temptation. I know, sounds so simple and obvious, and I should always be going to bed with my wife, but things don't always work out the way we plan. Anyways, I'm just glad that I've been able to keep my mind on more important matters. We recently got our tax refund, and my wife and I have been making several renovations to our house. I just need to keep my self occupied. As the old saying goes, "Idle hands are the Devil's playground." That couldn't be more true. I don't know how many times I've found myself "bored" and just decided to surf the web for whatever I could find. I think it is important to not be bored. Stay busy. Find a new hobby. Get off the computer every once in a while. It's one of the easiest ways to cut off bad situations at the root. I'm praying for you, me and everyone else in our difficult struggle.

Day 22

2009-02-16T10:00:00.000-08:00

I'm past 3 weeks! That is certainly good news. This past weekend was great. Had a few somewhat fancy plans with my wife, and overall we had a great time. No time for temptations or urges really. Today is the start of my 4th work week without porn, and I'm feeling good. While today is a holiday, it looks like I'll still be doing some work. Oh well. It will keep me busy. Not much else to say at the moment. I'm just feeling good and as long as looking at porn doesn't really cross my mind I find myself in victory. I hope you are doing well if you are in my shoes.

Side Note: Tools Against Porn

2009-02-13T13:13:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about some stuff, and I think there are certain little tools out there that we can use in our struggle to drop porn. One thing that used to happen in the past for me was that every once in a while I would come across an advertisement that was sexually suggestive. When my brother got caught surfing for porn on the family computer, I think he even used the excuse that "it was a pop up." Around the time Myspace started getting big, these ads for a website called "True," an online dating service, starting popping up, and 99% of them had voluptuous women in suggestive poses. Back in the day this didn't make things any easier on yours truly who was severely struggling with porn. Anyways, there exists a simple tool to get rid of ads forever: Adblock Plus. If you have firefox (which you should; it is vastly superior to Internet Explorer), it's a simple add-on you can install, and once up and running will stop all ads on all sites from loading. Not only does this make pages load faster and more pleaseant to view, but it eliminates those few ads that do give us bad ideas. Since using it I've almost forgotten about internet ads altogether. If I come across any other tools that can help in this way, you can be sure that I will post them here.

Day 19

2009-02-13T13:00:00.000-08:00

So close to 20 days without porn! It feels good. I went running again this morning. Felt nice to get the endorphins kicking again. It's actually only the second time I've worked out since Monday. Monday's exercise left me insanely sore. I couldn't even walk straight on Tuesday. Still hurting a little today, but it was important to go running again. Last night was good. I went to bed at the same time as my wife, so that eliminated a decent chunk of potential temptation. This weekend will be fun with Valentine's day and all. I've got some stuff planned, and if it goes well it will be great. Hopefully everything else will be pretty mild and when I come back to write on Monday it will be 3 weeks! Stay strong.

Day 18

2009-02-12T12:15:00.000-08:00

Things have been a bit rough these past few days. I've had some strong urges lately, and it's been tough to resist temptation. It's just so easy to fall back into. I keep putting myself in stupid situations. I need to stop playing games so late. After I'm done playing, it's usually like 1 or 2 in the morning, my wife is asleep, and it's easy to go wherever my mind wanders on the internet that late at night. I've found myself googling random pretty celebrities. I don't know why. It's not porn, but I just enjoy looking at really pretty women, which isn't necessarily bad, but like I've said so many times it's a step in the wrong direction. Last night I was googling for a while, and before I knew it my googling somehow led to asian bikini models. I know. I turned off my pc shortly thereafter and went to bed. I need to cut that off before it gets any more serious and I fall hard again. What sucks is that sometimes I'll start googling and this feeling of apathy comes over me, like I know I'm trying to quit porn, but hey, if it happens then whatever. That is not good. I can't be apathetic towards this struggle that has been in my life for so long. I need to realize that it's more severe than I make it to be sometimes. I need to make a better effort to go to bed at the same time that my wife does. During the day things have been good though. I have been focused for the most part. Work has been keeping me busy, minimizing the time I have to do mush else. Anyway, I'm almost half way to my previous attempt, so I have to press forward. I hate building up all this momentum and just throwing it all away like I did last time. I've got to have my eyes on the prize! The rest of today should be ok. If I find myself in the midst of a strong urge, I need to come back here to write about it to get it off my chest.

Day 15

2009-02-09T12:26:00.000-08:00

I'm past the 2 week mark, and that is definitely a nice landmark. As I get more and more weeks under my belt, I look forward to my ill desire slowly but surely fading away. Things have been good lately. This past weekend was fun; did a little bit of hanging out with some friends. It was nice to get out of the house despite our tight budget right now. Haven't really had any major urges right now. This morning marked the first time in a while that I made a decent attempt to start working out again. I went jogging for a bit, and now my legs are killing me. I've been needing to start my workout regimen again, and now that I've done something it feels good. I think this is another step in finding something to do to occupy my time. Plus I think the endorphins help with urges. I feel so much better about myself after a work out and that makes it that much harder to look at porn. Well off to more work. I may not get to write tomorrow, but just know that things are going good for me, and if I can make it this far then surely you can too.

Day 12

2009-02-06T13:24:00.000-08:00

End of the second work week without porn, and it feels good. As I go through the various websites that I frequent, I continue to find the occasional skimpy link, which offers a slight bit of temptation, but I have not given in. I know that even the slightest kink in my plan will eventually lead to failure. I feel good right now. I feel focused. Things are going good in life. Just finished my taxes, and we're getting a pretty nice return. God has definitely been blessing our family despite current economic situations. The least I can do in return is honor him and my wife by trying my best to remain as pure as possible. I hope that if you're reading this, and you're in the same boat, things are going good for you too. This weekend looks to be a tame one, but I need to make sure to enjoy it. The daily grind can become insanely life-draining if you don't learn to take a good break every now and again. Perhaps my wife and I will go out and do something fun. It'll be nice to get out of the house. I'll try to write again this weekend, but if not, I will definitely be back here on Monday.

Day 10

2009-02-04T14:53:00.000-08:00

Things have been going good. Work seems to be keeping me busier than usual, which is always a good thing. I've made it to my first double-digit day! A small landmark in the right direction. Although I haven't had any major urges, I have been having a slight problem. For whatever reason, a couple of times a month I wake up and am extremely horny. I think it has to do with the dreams I had the previous night, most of which I can't remember anyway. My wife is usually off to work, which eliminates the option to have gratification in a legitimate way. In the past, when I have woken up in this situation, I simply went to the computer first thing out of bed and looked at porn to get it out of my system. It has been a little tough to resist falling back into old habits, especially that one. By refusing to give in, I think I'm chopping away at this one side of my porn addiction. If I can find more of these old habits that led to nothing fruitful, and eliminate those as well, I don't think it will be long before I reach my goal of 100 days.

Day 8

2009-02-02T15:42:00.000-08:00

The 8th day of my second attempt, and still going strong. I've been having a few small urges, but nothing I haven't been able to handle. I think it mostly comes out of putting myself in a few bad situations. Every once in a while I'll play some video games late into the night, at which point my wife is asleep and I'm on the computer in the wee hours of the morning. I know it's not the best situation to be in, and I need to try to stay out of it as much as possible. I've been trying to go to bed/wake up earlier, so that this does not become an issue in the future. I know that as soon as this attempt reaches around 30 days, the urges/thoughts will get smaller and smaller, as I have experienced from my previous attempts. I know I can do it. Things are good right now. I also need to make it a point to pray/read my Bible more. I know some may not look to God in times of trouble and temptation, but it really helps me. The way I see it, the more good stuff I put into myself, the less room there is for anything else. It's easier said than done, but it's another thing on my list.

Day 5

2009-01-30T12:09:00.000-08:00

First work week into the second attempt, and everything is going good. No real urges yet, which is always a good thing. Unfortunately my wife and I haven't really been intimate lately, which is one way that I usually start to get urges, but that hasn't really affected me. It's not that neither of us want to, but it just seems that we've been really busy as of late, which isn't a really good excuse. I know sex is an important part of marriage, and we need to make it a bigger priority. Other than that, I'm just glad to meet the other individuals that have started blogging recently. As I have said, if you are struggling with the same problem as us all, you have no idea how much the blog helps. This weekend should be pretty tame. I usually only have urges during the week if any. Superbowl will be fun to watch. I'll try to post sometime this weekend, but if not I will definitely post on Monday.

Day 3

2009-01-28T10:42:00.000-08:00

Day 3 and still going strong. No big urges yet. My relationship with my wife is going great right now, the love is alive! haha. I am feeling good so far. Yesterday I came across yet another blog that makes this network even stronger. It's crazy. There are probably more people out there that want to be free of this than I know. Well I'm keeping it short for today. I've got a lot of work to do, which is a good thing as that keeps my mind focused. 97 more days to go! woohoo!!

Day 2

2009-01-27T11:35:00.000-08:00

The first day went pretty good, and the second has been the same. It is crazy how much more self-control I seem to have just by saying "Ok, no more porn." The blog really helps. In a way it is a sort of accountability. I am going to do my best to start writing every day or at least every other day. Writing here definitely keeps me on track. No real urges so far; I am focused and that is a good sign. Yesterday I came across a few other blogs of people in the same boat that I'm in, and it was a bit of relief. It's nice to know that you're not the only one going through a struggle. I've added these other blogs to my list on the left. Check them out if you get the chance. Some of them have already met their goals, while others have been trying to meet their goals for some time. Either way, it seems we have a sort of network built of people trying to quit porn. If you are trying to do the same I urge you to write about it, maybe even start your own blog. You have no idea how much it helps.

Attempt 2, Day 1

2009-01-26T12:02:00.001-08:00

So after a brief period of mistakes, I'm giving it another go. Today marks the "official first day" of my second attempt at reaching 100 days without looking at porn. Unfortunately I messed up a little earlier as I previously wrote, and that initial screw up made for a series of screw ups. It's ridiculous how easy it is to get back into the whole porn-hunting phase. You find one thing, which leads to another, which leads to a video site, which leads to several hours of wasted time in the end and nothing to show for it. I am making progress though. Instead of just looking and looking without remorse, I have stopped and am trying again to completely stop again. I don't know how many times in the past that I've wanted to stop but never really did anything about it.

On another note, I came across this article the other day, which I thought was interesting. It's from the humorous website cracked.com, talking about how addicted most people are to pornography. The part I found most intriguing is that at the end the author invites everyone to a porn-off, a competition to see who can go the longest without looking at porn. I found it ironic that here are a bunch of guys trying to stop looking at porn for fun when I've been trying to do it for who knows how long now. Well I've joined this porn-off, and it starts today. I hope you will join too if you have been struggling as I have. Here's to 100 days and more!

Disaster at Day 43

2009-01-18T20:15:00.000-08:00

Well it was a good run, but I messed up today. I threw away all the hard work I've built up in the past month and a half, and I feel stupid for it. I felt so good for a while: for a good amount of time the idea of looking at pornography didn't even really phase me. Of course, it started slow like I previously mentioned: looking at pictures of beautiful women, then pictures of swimsuit models, etc, until the invariable crash. Unlike my previous errors though, I am going to simply pick my self up and give it another go. I can't doddle through this state of defeat lest it take over me. I have a goal, and I plan on reaching it. Tomorrow will start a new day, and with it a new opportunity to stop looking at porn.

Day 30

2009-01-03T02:31:00.000-08:00

I am having some intense urges at the moment. Haven't had sex in a little while, and the idea of looking at naked girls is very tempting. I'm writing to get it off my chest. I've been up all night trying to get my pc working, and I finally made a breakthrough. It's usually not a good idea to stay up so late with the computer unsupervised. I just need to think positive. The month of December was a good one. It was porn-free for the most part. It's a good way to start the new year. Only 70 more days to go, and I know I can do it. I don't want to throw away the month of work I have already started. And I need to write more! That will surely help. Perhaps I'll try to post tomorrow morning. Here's to staying strong and a 2009 without pornography.

Day 20

2008-12-23T09:54:00.000-08:00

So it's been a while since I've posted my last entry which isn't good, but the good news is that I'm still without porn! One day shy of three weeks without porn. Last week was extremely hectic, with a ton of holiday stuff to do, and so I barely had time at all to make an entry into this blog. I've had a few small urges here and there. The biggest urges come when I'm awake late a night and my wife is asleep, which I know is a bad situation to put myself in. But I have remained strong. My desire to reach 100 days without pornography is starting to eclipse my desire to look at images of naked women.

Other than that, things have been good. I know things seem somewhat easy now, but I must prepare myself for when a really huge urge comes so that I don't fall. I also need to make a better effort to write in this blog almost daily. Just the act of writing about my desires helps to quench them. Perhaps that will be my New Year's resolution.

Day 9

2008-12-12T11:06:00.000-08:00

Here I am a little more than a week, and still going strong. I've had a few small urges to look at NSFW links in some of the blogs/websites I visit, but I've stayed strong. I've even resisted clicking the images of scantily clad women, which as I stated early is just a stepping stone to more disastrous stuff.

Anyway, this past week has been good. Christmas is already coming up fast, and the crazy season with family and friends is sure to make it a little bit easier on me since I won't be doing too much hanging out with the computer alone. It will be nice to enter the new year porn-free, and I can only hope that the entire year stays that way.

Day 5

2008-12-08T15:20:00.000-08:00

Well it looks like I am going to have a bit of trouble posting everyday. Weekends are hard as we are usually away from the house hanging out with friends and what-not, which is good. I don't enjoy being home alone for long periods of time. That's usually when I have the largest opportunity to look at porn. So hanging out is good.

Haven't really had any strong urges lately. I'm feeling good about this attempt. The only temptation I've had thus far is to google a few models. Every once in a while I'll see a video or an article that features a particularly beautiful woman, and my first reaction is to google said woman to find more pics. While not a really bad habit, that is usually how my porn searching ways start. I'll casually google a model who does not pose nude, then that leads to another model who might have more arousing photos, which leads to non-nude models who are practically nude anyway, which leads to full on porn. It's a vicious cycle, and if I cut it off at the beginning then I am less likely to fall into it. One thing I am thankfull for though is that I never really got into hardcore porn. I know porn is porn, but for some reason I could never watch the hardcore stuff for more than a few seconds before getting grossed out.

Well this week looks good. Work is going good for me, which keeps me busy, and I've been feeling kinda romantic with my wife, which is always nice. The more sex I have with her the better, as that is a) more gratifying than masturbation b) keeps my urges for porn down and c) the purest way to achieve sexual gratification. I don't know if that last sentence made a whole lot of sense. Anyhow, things are going good right now, so I am happy. Wednesday will be my first week without porn for this attempt, and hopefully it will be the first of many to come.

Day 2

2008-12-05T15:38:00.000-08:00

So I was unable to post yesterday. A couple of days out of the week it is hard to get on the computer alone, but for the most part it is easy. I suppose that's where part of the problem arises: too much time alone with a computer. Unfortunately it is what my job demands, so rather than put a barrier between myself and alone time on the computer, I need to exercise self-control.

I've tried a few methods of quitting pornography in the past, one of those being an internet filter. While that does work for a bit, eventually the desire to bypass the filter becomes so great that I figure out a way. I know that's bad on my part, but I think part of the time I would do it for the sheer satisfaction of being "smarter" than the program. I would much rather have control without the filter though. The reason for this is that even if I stopped looking at porn for a good period of time with a filter, once the filter is removed the temptation becomes too great. I've experienced this first hand. I don't want to have an internet filter on my computer for the rest of my life. Not only is it embarrassing and costly, but it's a crutch that I need to live without.

Yesterday was a good day in terms of desires for pornography. No desires really, a good day overall. Today has been going good so far. I haven't had any urges, and I'm really psyching myself out to feel that I need to earnestly TRY to stop, not just say I'm going to stop and say "oops" when I mess up, which has happened too many times in the past. One thing that does suck is that a few of the sites I regularly visit have the occasional picture of a scantily clad woman on them. Luckily the articles don't show much unless you click on them. Self-control comes into play again. I need to be able to be OK when something like that comes up, whether it be on a website or in a movie that my wife and I are watching, I need to just shrug it off, instead of pursuing it further.

Anyways, I'm feeling pretty good about this journey so far. The path to top is a difficult one, and I'm prepared. The day that I have a really strong urge will be one that truly tests me. Hopefully I will be prepared on that day with the correct response.

It Begins

2008-12-03T18:11:00.000-08:00

There was a time where, amazingly, I didn't struggle with pornography at all. That period was high school believe it or not. My sophomore through senior year I didn't have the slightest desire to look at porn. And even if I did, it wouldn't have been easy with the computer in the family room, 6 people in the house, and at least one person home at all times. Then I moved out for college, and everything changed. I suddenly had my own place, my own computer, and I was severely bored. I found myself curious with my new found freedom, and I saw no consequences before me.

Fast forward 4 years. I am now married, in my own house, and while I am sexually satisfied by wife, I find myself slipping every now and again for stupid reasons. I have tried several times to completely quit since starting to look at porn after high school, but I would say that since moving out on my own I haven't gone 4 months without looking at porn. I want to go a whole year. I know that goal is huge and seemingly impossible at the moment, but I want to tackle it in stages. My first goal is to make it to 100 days without looking at porn.

I had a great attempt earlier this year: On my birthday I decided to try and quit, and my attempt lasted about 2 months, probably my longest period without porn for some time. After stumbling again, I didn't even try not to look, I just did whatever I felt like. I need to take control of my urges, my thoughts, and my actions. Lately I've felt a huge sense of apathy: I just don't care if I look. What does it matter? Well it matters for a lot of reasons. First of all, it goes against what I believe at a Christian. Second of all, it goes against my wife. And third of all, it is a HUGE waste of time. I find it really easy to lose track of time when searching for that "perfect porn."

Earlier this year, in my search for porn I stumbled upon a blog. This blog really inspired me in that the writer was trying to quit pornography himself. He had been trying for a couple of years to reach 100 days without porn, and this past Thanksgiving Day, he reached his goal. He gave a lot of good advice, and one of those tips was to start a journal about trying to quit. Well here I am. I am going for the 100 days! I almost want to start on New Year's Day, but I am here now, so I might as well go for it. Tomorrow will mark the beginning of my first day of my first cataloged attempt to quit pornography. I know it is going to be a difficult struggle, but I am prepared. The aforementioned blogger wrote about how his desires for porn really decreased in the closing days of his journey, and that is something that I am really looking forward to. I want the thought of porn to cross my mind and my reaction to be "Not even a chance."